We continued the next day onto the Tzvat, the founding city of Kabballah (which some of you probably only know about because Madonna pretends to be a strong believer and which Whitney Houston may of said she adhered too in-between one of the many rehab stints). Tzvat was very unique, but before I get too much into the educational and meaningful nature of Tzvat, let me just get one thing out. It may get a bit graphic, but just deal with it...it happens to the best of us. I seem to be having a bit of a GI Tract issue whenever I travel (no matter what country). I even have made this trip a conscious effort to eat high-fiber foods to try and suck what I refer to as my "poop pouch" out of my body. No such luck, other than in one of the 4 holliest cities in Israel (outside of Jerusalem), Tzvat. I found myself subjecting these nice, orthodox,candle-shop workers to the sprint I had to take into their store to just barely make it into their holy bathroom before I pooped my pants. Now, I didn't mean to subject these nice two ladies to anything that may seem rude to their conservative way of life, but as I sprinted past them I did not say one word and I believe when I came out of the bathroom I received the first of my many awkward looks from an Israeli citizen (more to come later). We have come to call this little episode "Liza Sharted in Tzvat," but I didn't actually shart, it was just the closest thing to it I think someone could of got.
(Definition of Shart: a small, unintended defecation that occurs when one relaxes the anal sphincter to fart (blend of "shit" and "fart"))
I realize this is very unattractive, disgusting and maybe a bit disturbing, but things happen and you just gotta "roll with the punches."
Other than my minor malfunction within Tzvat, I loved this city. The highest city in all of Israel, the view is breathtaking with the Golan heights
in the east and Lebannon to the north (yes, we said hello to our Hezbollah friends). The curvy narrow beige streets are made up of light cobblestone and orthodox beards/sideburns go in the background to rambunctious school children, art-decor and beautiful Israeli soldiers.
I am a little scarred from this journey, but hopefully I will return to Tzvat in hopes of setting free my GI Tract jynx.
As you may know, the reason for coming to Israel was for Gilad's niece Arielle's bat mitzvah in Jerusalem. We drove to Jerusalem and went on a tour where I was again subjected to inconsiderate comments by our tour guide Doo Doo. Ironic that the tour guides name was Doo Doo after I had just experienced such a shameful experience only days prior having to do with the very Doo Doo itself. Anyways, I thought I was going to get a complete tour of Jerusalem, but what I and my family got was a "jesus tour" around the city. From the very start of the tour even my mother asked me for one of my adderall so she could get through the day. I didn't think she was actually serious, but as I pulled one of the pills out of my bag, Cathy Jo was like a cheetah to snatch that thing up and swallow it with a quick swig of water. About twenty minutes later she came up to me and said:
"Liza, I feel like I am on shrooms."
Me: "Why mother?"
Cathy: "I don't know Liza, I have never done shrooms but I do feel like going ZINGGG!"
Me: "are you kidding me?"
And she proceeds to put her pointer finger up in the air and say "ZING!" once again like a hyper hyena in the christian quarter of the city. Good work Cath.
Even with the adderall intake we still could not pay attention to Doo Doo and the 14 steps of Jesus he led us through, but for some reason I was the target through out the tour and Doo Doo kept calling me out in front of Gilad's whole family, as well as mine. Every 5 seconds Doo Doo would look through my sunglasses somehow and tell me, "Liza! come over here! get closer!" "Liza are you listening?" "Liza you are not close enough to the jesus rock!"
Doo Doo was a whole pile of poo poo in conclusion. Because of that tour, I think I actually have to change my name because he called it so many times. I also got the pleasure of seeing Doo Doo in the Meridian hotel at the dead sea when the two of us rode in silence up the 11 floors to my room.
We also concluded that I have Christophobia. This is when you are afraid of devout christ-lovers. And as I witnessed people in hysterics when entering the church Jesus was either crucified in, bathed in, undressed in or maybe just set foot in...I saw this. I had to leave the church immediately, but obviously not before I too could see the Jesus rock up close to ensure Doo Doo's happiness.
I think ill just stick to modern history and spiritual guidance not based upon a Messiah.
The Bat Mitzvah:
Arielle had her bat mitzvah at the western wall, which was pretty incredible. Putting a prayer into the wall (or hope) was a very powerful experience. I am really not a religious person (as you may have noticed), but as I placed my prayer amongst the Orthodox Jews to my left and right and said the Mourner's kaddish for my Papa and cousin Zachary I really felt a spiritual presence at that wall. I really don't know how else to put it into words, but I just had a strong effect on me.
I don't really have much to say about the Bat Mitzvah considering I could not hear a single word of it, as 5 other b'nai mitzvahs were going on within ten feet of ours. The rabbi was 45 minutes late though so things got off to a great start. As our family does though, we made the best of it and had a laugh or two.
We continued our journey to the Dead Sea and Lakhish (moshav outside of Tel Aviv). I would have to put climbing the snake trail and seeing the sunrise at Masada should be put on everyones list of "things to do before you die." This could easily be my favorite part of the trip. We left the hotel at 4:30 to hike up to the historical city of Masada. You arrive at the top of the Jordean Mountains (not without seeing a few people intensely struggle along the way) and overlook the Dead Sea with a view of Jordan out in the distance. The first Jewish-Roman war concluded this cities overthrow of Jewish control and led to the Jews mass suicide, but the fortifications and palaces still sit atop the mountain.
As we made our way back to Israel we stopped at the Moshav my mom spent some time on when she was 20 and living in Israel. Lakhish grows grapes (some of the most amazing tasting grapes in the world), but what really makes Lakhish special is the people on it. Efrat, my mom's israeli "sister," was one of the most amazing people I have ever met. She recently moved back to Israel from Japan, where her three kids were born. She has such a positive energy about her. When you meet her you automatically feel her warmth and love, which is so unique and refreshing. Max and my mom told me this about her before I even met her and within three seconds, I felt it too. I would like to be her. She recently got back from a trip to Japan where she was successful in one of her many charity projects where she distributed blankets to many of the children tsunami victims. Her generosity and drive, not to mention she speaks fluent hebrew, english, japanese and a little bit of German are incredible. Not only her, but the entire family on the Moshav make you immediately feel like you are one of their own. (If you are reading this Efrat, we will see you in Colorado!)
We end our journey today as we leave for India in a couple hours, but a couple other things I would like to make a note of in the concluding phase of the first leg on my journey.
1. As I experienced my stepbrother coming from his travels in Asia with some of the worst body odor I have ever smelled in my life, I have to remind myself to SHOWER.
2. Come back to Tel Aviv as soon as possible
3. Learn from traveling, learn from the people you are surrounded by in other countries and be open to what they can add to your life in order to become a better person
4. Never stop traveling.
One last thing that my mother, my brother and I learned from one special person on this journey (little bit of an inside joke sorry), but "money does not by happiness." Thank you to this person for teaching me this.
I sign off now, can't wait for the India. Nameste everyone. Shalom!
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