Emma got Herpes from Monkey Island! (True or False?) Read on!

 “Helloooo!!!! Youu buy from meee???”

“This good price fo you!!! This good price fo me!!!!”

  
 Walking through markets, taking a stroll down the street, stepping out of your hotel room or probably even wiping your own ass I have heard these constant remarks by street-vendors as we travel our way down Vietnam. I have never seen so many knock-off Rayban sunglasses in my life, nor elderly women with 100 pound fruit weights upon their shouldn’t scurrying after you, regardless if you didn’t look at their products in the first place. I seriously have never seen Ritz Crackers look the way they do on some of these street vendors carts. The color looks like it popped out of the Brady Bunch or some other bad TV sitcom from the 1960’s as the predominately red box has deteriorated into a faded pink and white color. Who knew that they could actually make couterfeit Oreo’s and Chips Ahoy cookies too? They really think of everything here in Vietnam. I guess Forrest Gump was right as he was being sent to the Vietnam War

“Its this whole nuther country.”

    Alex, Emma, Max and I started our visit to Vietnam the way everyone traveling here should…to go sit on the miniature stools at one of the most crowded corners to eat some Pho in Hanoi. (For those who do not know what this is, it is the most delicious beef noodle soup you can get everywhere for under two dollars through out the Vietnam streets. Also, if you feed it to Max for breakfast, lunch and dinner…he will be perfectly happy if you also promise him some brisket at the high holidays. I really have no idea what makes this delicious broth come deliciously to life as it hits my lips, for all I know there could be dog meat in it (knock on wood!), but all I know is that I have learned that I kind of like sweating for breakfast/eating soup in 90-degree weather.
   Coming into Vietnam, I thought I risked life crossing the street in India. How ignorant I was! Nothing compares to the speed of the motorbike situation in Hanoi. Every time you cross the street, you pray that you make it across and that those motorbikes will slow-down for your short-lived life. It is literally a human frogger game and it is definitely not fun as George Costanza may make in look in Seinfeld and you are not just trying to preserve your fame as he did, you are trying to preserve your life! Coming to Hanoi, I really miss all those cows and tuck-tucks that slow down the flow of traffic through out the streets of India. India was a fucking playground compared to this madness. 

The four of us + our friend...our sweat after a long day of touring in Hanoi

   Of course, we managed to make it across the streets just fine and visited some of Hanoi’s greatest sites; the first being Hoa Lo Prison (i.e. John McCain’s stomping grounds before he has a brain-fart and went ultra-conservative/rose to the ultimate stupidity level casting Sarah Palin into America’s presence.) I have grown to be quite a fan of prisons...but I’m not saying I would like to go to prison by any means. It is all due to a show that airs on weekends on MSNBC called “Locked Up: Raw.” It’s reality TV, unscripted and at its ultimate finest. Cameras go into the United States maximum-security prisons and profile its inmates (everyone from gang-members to white supremists and even some mass murderers!), it is great…in a sick sort of way. Going into Hoa Lo, I felt like I was going into some of the roots of a torture chamber, the grim, the gruesome, the cream-of-the-crop prison. No one liked my idea of doing an episode of Locked Up Raw: Ho Loa, so I shaped up, grew mature and went through the prison remains like a normal curious tourist. Not to be predjudice…but I really have never been to keen on the French in the first place and going through Hoa Lo, it added to my distaste. The French colonists occupied/used the domain to incarerate political prisoners that fought for their independence and only received persecution and torture in return. Ironically, the prison eventually turned into a place where United States POW’s were held (like our own John McCain), but instead of receiving the unlawful treatment of those whom occupied the cells prior to their arrival…the US POW’s were sort of in a little bit of a “pleasantville.” The prisoners were shown playing basketball in the courtyard, being released with smiles on their faces, being fed a considerable amount of food etc...and for what reason exactly? Being a part of another war that we had absolutely zero need to be in and escalating it onto a global level? The more and more I travel, the more I come to the conclusion that America just fucking sucks. 

Cell passageway in Hoa Lo Prison, Hanoi

Hoa Long Bay

   Hanoi was short-visited as we continued our journey in Vietnam to the gorgeous Hoa Long Bay. The traveling foursome finally got some much-needed group interaction with other travelers as we loaded onto a houseboat for a couple of days. Not saying that we are sick of each other, but the fact that when we socialize...most people think we are two couples galivanting through Southeast Asia (not a brother/sister combo looking for a good time) and for some reason, this makes it a little harder to mingle. This boat came equipped with numerous goodies in fact:

1. A Vietnamese tour guide that sounded like Martin Short as Franck Eggelhoffer (prounounced FRAAAAAAAAHHHHHNNNNCK) in Father of the Bride. If you don't know what he sounds like, take a 10-second listen.  I shall call him Franck and one of Franck's greatest qualities was that this little Vietnamese guide loved his karaoke (which brings be to the next boat-goodie!)

2. The boat had a state-state-of-the-art TV that played karaoke songs on it! I got to fall asleep to Max's lovely voice  singing "sweet caroline" and other numerous tunes that he refused to stray away from. I do have to say that I was proud of the number we both did to "build me up buttercup." Emma and I went back to our childhood roots as we got up and did a little performance of the classic hit from Grease, "Summer Nights." If you didn't know us as children...we used to dance around her Northbrook house when she had a giant bunny bud and later a bunkbed with a slide where we would do private dance performance for ourselves singing songs from this timeless musical. This karaoke session also proved another fact for me as well...which is that the Dutch are good at everything and are way better than everyone else. A Dutch couple was on our boat during this excursion and while the American's got up to sing awfully, in comes the Dutch man to blow us out of the water and sing right on key to a Radiohead song. Not only is marijuana and prostitution legal, but they are also good singers as well! (Not to mention the couple told me they are sub-par to fellow their fellow Dutch counterparts because these two only spoke 4 languages fluently.) Damnit, I want to be raised a Dutch! 

Hoa Long Bay

   The boat trip ended with us getting to jump off the top for what we thought would be a nice refreshing dip in the water. Little did we know as we entered the bay, it was more like a feeling of a giant baby pool full of warm urine with really no refreshing quality other than the scenic area surrounding it. The water could of easily been 80+ degrees. 

The next night we sailed onto Monkey Island for a beach-front resort stay for the final night of the Bay journey. Upon going to monkey island, I was almost positive their would be monkeys hopping along the roof of our huts and in the trees as we hiked through the island...once again, i was proven wrong. To see the monkey's of monkey island, you have to go to the more popular beach where the population feeds them peanuts and they wait in nearby bushes for them to do so. It is nothing like seeing monkeys in the wild...its more a human invasion type thing. Regardless of this zoo-like quality, the island was beautiful. Rock climbing up to the higheast peak on the island was definatly a highlight for all of us. 

the main "attraction" at Monkey Island feasting on some peanuts

  Monkey Island also left a permanent mark on Emma as well. She left that island thinking she had gotten a bad sunburn from a pair of those fake Raybans she had purchased earlier in the trip. Unfortunately, when we got to a pharmacy back in Hanoi, the pharmacist gave her herpes medicine. (Great, Emma got herpes from Monkey Island). Don't worry readers, this was not the case either as was confirmed by some American doctors. Bacterial infection was the correct answer. If you were worried...Emma does not have Herpes from monkeys! (You can still say that she does as Alex and I continue to do because it just sounds funnier than a bacterial infection.) 

(Note: Karma always comes back to bite me in the ass when I make fun of Emma as I currently have pink eye). 

My New little friends on Monkey Island Beach resort! These ones didn't have fleas, or they did and I just didn't care whatsoever.